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| do you ever have one of those days when you wish you could be anyone else but yourself?
yeah. today is one of those days.
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| it has been a little more than four and a half years since i've been in high school, but yet i can't seem to stop thinking back to those days. reflecting on how i've changed and how i am different now is really strange.
it's funny how this post manifested itself. i was planning on posting about how people always contradict themselves. people who say they don't like drama, always seem to be at the center of it. people who say they're intelligent are usually the farthest from it.
the other day i was reading a discussion on facebook about the existence of god, and one of the posts pointed to a book entitled something like the case for god instructing to read it with "an open mind." i just thought to myself, i bet this person would balk at reading god is not great with "an open mind." it's easy to suggest to read something that way when you agree with its subject.
i recognize my prejudices but am respectful of others' beliefs and not averse to hearing what others have to say. i like to think of myself as an open-minded person.
but am i really? or is it just apathy setting in?
i used to be so passionate. i wanted to work for the aclu. i would read political news and blogs all the time. a classmate said if she could describe in one word it would be "opinionated." (i don't think that was a good thing in her mind). tim ho said at the final concert my senior year, that i was the most opinionated person he knew. i would get into debates that would end in tears because i would get so upset. now, i don't do any of that. no more blogs, no more debates. at the first mention of abortion rights, gay marriage, affirmative action or indigenous rights, i change the subject as quickly as possible or listen quietly without saying how i truly feel. i say that it's me being more mature, but in my mind i know it's because i'm afraid and apathetic.
i used to be so involved in high school. i was in so many activities that it boggles my mind now. besides my job, i really do nothing except spend time with my family. i used to think i'll change the world or be rich right out of college. now, i'm just resignated to the fact that i will lead a mediocre life. and even sadder, is the fact that i am completely fine with that. if i could think of one word to describe myself now, it would just be "nice." how saddeningly boring. (though i do still pride myself on being voted nicest, alongside peanut)
what have i become?
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| wow. it has been forever since i've written in this thing. or on this thing. or whatever
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| sometimes i feel like i have nothing left to look forward to
anymore...like all the good things that were supposed to happen have
already occurred and it's all downhill from here
lately,
that's how i've been feeling. i know i should be happy...i have a
family that loves me and i live in paradise. i thought getting this
good job would help that. but even being hired and not having to worry
about being unemployed anymore hasn't helped to curb this gut-wrenching
feeling i have in my stomach.
advertising this to the world
probably isn't the best idea, and definitely a cry for attention. i
guess i'm just one of those needy people, but i've run out of ideas.
i
wish i had a shoulder to cry on. i wish i had someone to just listen to
me without judgment. i wish i had a hand to hold. i wish i had... | | |
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For you I was a flame
Love is a losing game
Five story fire as you came
Love is a losing game
One I wish I never played
Oh what a mess we made
And now the final frame
Love is a losing game
Played out by the band
Love is a losing hand
More than I could stand
Love is a losing hand
Self professed... profound
Till the chips were down
...know you're a gambling man
Love is a losing hand
Though I've battled blind
Love is a fate resigned
Memories mar my mind
Love is a fate resigned
Over futile odds
And laughed at by the gods
And now the final frame
Love is a losing game
- Amy Winehouse
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